I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
