I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i can't believe i had my finger in that
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
