I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
