My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
