I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You can't special order awesome
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
