I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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