AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
