just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
