I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
