if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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