he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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