I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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