When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
