So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
