So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
