I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You don't make any sense
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