gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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