I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
