Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
