You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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