I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
