I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
