I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Drunk is not a location!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
