remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
