Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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