You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
