I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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