i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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