I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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