I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
