Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
