How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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