Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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