mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
