i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
