I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
