stop calling my apartment porn island.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
