You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Cover your peen. We're going out.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
