I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
