I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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