I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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