I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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