I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
