You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
