Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
