Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
