she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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