allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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