Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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