Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
